Bid TV's Peter Simon: The best fall guy of selly telly

Peter Simon

How astonishing to see Zandra Rhodes on the selly telly (OK, shopping) channel Bid TV Sunday evening. In under an hour she flogged about £25,000-worth of her bedlinen and fragrance - and I have no doubt that this was in part due to the tenacious, some would say, reckless energy of Bid's most starry host, Peter Simon. I am certain pink-haired Zandra enjoyed a little death on live TV in his company.

What can one say of Peter who is reputed to have a massive cock? He's a phenomenon at least. Apparently his three-hour stints flogging Egyptian cotton towels or figurines of 'Masai lady sitting with baby and child' draw about 1m viewers, which is not bad for a satellite squat.

Peter's enthusiasm for the stuff he sells is unparalleled performance art. Everything is either 'absolutely stunning' or 'the most fabulous...' The world's 'greatest scent' is followed disloyally by a 'scent which is the very apothecary of desire.' Everything is 'not just...' (repeated many times in one sentence) - and he has this odd habit of addressing 'viewers at 'ome'. Sometimes he goes peculiar and talks of 'viewer'. He is utterly addictive.

Friday nights from 10pm are usually his best shows and the rudest. If the auctions are slow he gets bored and sends up the products - I have not quite yet recovered from his claim that a certain brand of bath chair will 'cure your cystitis'. Cue hysterical suppressed laughter in the studio. He also smirks when he talks of 'ring sizes' apropos Bid's ring sizing service.

On Saturdays he's grand in his velvet dj and comes over all London Palladium on us: until recently the poor poppet had to be his own cheapo off-camera master of ceremonies, announcing himself from the 'very heart of London... your host, Peter Simon.' Now someone else says all this before he strolls into view to cameramen applause. He is unembarrassed by his opening jokes, usually about his back passage or people called Elsie, so it is with relief when he turns to introduce the Chatimals Meerkat, a must-have toy which repeats what you've just said. Which repeats what you've just said.

Of his salesman philosophy, he says: 'Even if I'm selling a latte mug with an urbanwear finish and a ceramic lip, it is up to me to make something of it. Nothing is rubbish - somebody out there will want it. If I made a wooden poker, somebody would want it.' You just don't get his type on QVC. Whorish selly telly has its pioneer of laughs.

Do catch up with Simon who first made his name on the BBC's kids' shows Double Dare and Run The Risk. Here he is in action, falling over.