Across the pond, in the UK, there currently is a raging (is there any other kind?) debate over the costume choice of a certain 5 year old preschool boy, or more specifically, his mother's reaction to criticism surrounding the choice. Apparently, if I have the story straight, children in this particular preschool were encouraged to dress up for school just prior to Halloween. This particular boy's choice was to go as Daphne, from Scooby Doo. Upon arriving at school that day the boy's mother was subjected to a high level of criticism from the other mothers for allowing the boy to choose such a costume.
In angry response to this situation, the mother of said boy posted a photograph of her son, dressed as Daphne, on her blog in a post entitled "My Son Is Gay". Since then, this story has spiraled from one about (lack of) tolerance at one's preschool to one of (lack of) good judgment in terms of what is and isn't fair play when it comes to one's blog.
My head is filled with thoughts on this, and I (sort of) have the appropriate forum to spew them out. So, I figured, why not?
Disclaimer: These are solely my opinions. I don't have any kids, but I am aware of the constant challenges associated with raising children. I'm not casting judgment on anyone involved in this story. I'm merely stating what I would (not) have done if I were any of the parties involved.
And...yes, since you asked, I am jealous...all those years of dressing up as Batman, when deep down I really wanted to be Wonder Woman. I do want a do-over.
To the alleged "other parents" involved:
-Really? You're going to drop your pearls of parenting wisdom on another parent because her child wanted to dress up as a redheaded woman who drives around in a van solving mysteries that result in an ironic unmasking of the guilty party? Oh, you're child is so more well-adjusted because he dressed up as a sponge that lives in a pineapple under the sea. What a great point. It's Halloween, people, we're dressing up as someone we're not...remember?
-Don't project your cultural biases onto your children. Yeah, you may be uncomfortable with another parent dressing her son up as a woman because you know you'd never do it, but the other kids are going to harass him? At the age of 5, if your kid has that sort of reaction, you might want to question if you're the one who instilled that kind of bias in him or her.
-Maybe we want to believe times have changed a bit. Sure, when I was 5, I wasn't telling a whole lot of people about my love for tights (although the constant Batman costumes may have been a dead giveaway, in retrospect), in addition, I don't remember a whole lot of my friends or acquaintances professing their sexual orientation all that much. But on the other hand, that was over 20 years ago. When my parents were 5, restaurants, movie theaters, and other establishments could pick and choose who they catered to based upon skin color. When my grandparents were 5, establishments could pick and choose who they hired based upon nationality. People change and tolerance grows. You really want to get in the way of that?
-Finally, no parent wants to hear from their peers about their 'bad parenting'. This mom had a son who wanted a certain costume for Halloween and she made the decision to go with it. It's her child and its her decision. Don't act like she just allowed the kid to drink Draino or go play in traffic.
To the Mom in question:
-Posting the picture, may have been a bit overboard. Let's not lose sight of the fact that your son is 5. Yes, maybe he's a "cross-dresser" or maybe he's gay, or maybe he just likes Daphne and wanted to dress like her one Halloween. We probably all have pictures taken of us as children that we now would probably rather have never been taken. The difference is, any one that my mom may have taken is in a photo album, probably in an attic somewhere. This kid's photo is plastered across the internet for eternity. When he's 15 in high school...when he's 20 and dating...when he someday maybe has children of his own...there's 5 year old him as Daphne. Maybe he won't care, but he should at least have had the decision over whether he cared or not. But now it doesn't matter, because it's out there.
-A blog is a personal thing. I've been blogging for over 3 years now, and I still have trouble deciding what to reveal and not reveal about my personal life. It must get a lot harder when you're making that decision, not for yourself, but for your kids. It seems the mom is trying to make a point about how "okay" she is, particularly compared to the "other parents" about her kids lifestyle (if a 5 year old has a lifestyle) but she's almost doing it at the expense of her child.
-Perhaps an extension of the point above, but "outing" your child, at any age, is hard to construe as anything but selfish. Even if you want to make the leap that, at age 5, the boy is sure that he is gay, it should still be his decision as to when he shares that and to whom he shares that. Many people spend a lifetime struggling with that particular decision, yet this mother just throws it out there, to the entire world, because she's apparently upset at some treatment she received from a few other parents. Again, I'm confident that, 20 years from now, when this boy is 25, "coming out" will be met with more acceptance that it is today. In fact, if he has a kid who wants to dress as Daphne, maybe the other parents won't think anything of it. But that still has to be up to him. He has to be ready to address it and he has to address it in the forum he feels most comfortable. Instead, he's 5 and we have his mom turning something that is personal to him into something about how tolerant she is.
I often joke with my friends about how Facebook and Twitter are going to be the downfall of society. I suppose it's only fair to group Blogger into that statement as well. I grew up in an environment where it was never okay to "air dirty laundry'. Now we live in a society where Reality TV and real-time status updates make dirty laundry part of our day to day lives. For the most part, hey, that's technology. On one hand, I maintain a blog, but on the other, I've never felt the need to update my status. TL is hungry and wants a sandwich. TL is excited for the football game this evening. TL is upset and can't understand why people can be so mean. Etc. I don't understand why even my closest friends would care about any of that. But to each, his own.
I certainly do understand why sharing certain things can be so weight-lifting. But I think a dose of common sense needs to be applied, particularly when speaking for someone other than yourself. Ultimately, I feel sorry for this kid. He didn't sign up for any of this. He just wanted a certain costume for Halloween. Maybe he should have gone with Wonder Woman. At least he would have had a invisible jet to help him escape.
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