Katie and Peter: Aunty Madame Arcati offers her unparalleled advice

I am rarely tempted to comment on marital or other types of relationship breakup. Frankly, I couldn't care less. Couples are bad enough together, all smug and cummed up, posing about arm-in-arm like a body parts graft gone wrong. Such persons are scarcely deserving of further consideration when through their own immaturity, egotism, selfishness, treachery or whatever they split up and then demand yet more attention separately. It's too much.

These are my thoughts as I turn to the topic du jour, Katie Price and Peter Andre. My understanding is that as a result of Katie sticking her tongue down the throat of a gay equestrian in a Bristol nightclub, Peter swanned off somewhere warm in a strop. His brothers then cooked up a barbie as he pulled saaaad, unshaven faces for the paps. Meantime, Katie swanned off to the Maldives - where you find those gorgeous beach houses on stilts; and, btw, I can highly recommend the island of Thudufushi. Yum yum. She then posed for tabloid pics while feeding her brats their Weetabix. That Princess is a handful.

So, what's the problem? Instead of bickering in the hell of wedded togetherness, and having to dream up various stressful notice-me stunts for their ITV2 fly-on-the-wall show, they can each now, singly, luxuriate in ambient climatic warmth and oceanic tranquility, free of strife, free of the impulse to fill the silences with their idiotic chatter (which so often leads to discord), with time to think about really important things, like the improved Hubble Telescope whose new lens will advance our deep space gawp to within 600,000,000 light years of creation.

Katie and Peter should use this time apart to ponder on the infantilising effect of coupledom, and relish the liberation that arises from permanent separation. With sufficient dedication to this end, each individuality will ripen in the sun of uplifting aloneness, unfettered by the noise of another child-adult. I cannot think of one single advantage in their reunion: only the rows, more tiresome fly-on-the-walls, walkings-out, the he-said-she-saids in the tabloids and shit weekly sleb mags for girlies, all the stuff that turns people into crutches. The singleton is the sage of this age. Set an example to the kids and give a fellow adult a break. Doublebeds should be banned.

Only if Katie and Peter promise to bring back their TV talk show will I consider countenancing a reunion - more about which clear here.