Cheryl Cole consults Dustin Hoffman's psychic!

Jusstine Kenzer

Honestly, I don't know why I bother. A few weeks ago I advised Cheryl Cole and her promiscuous cock-cunting footballer husband Ashley to donate all their marriage bling to Haiti now their merger is on the rocks. It was PR Mark Borkowski's idea, bless him.

Now I see that instead of listening to my (and Mark's) good sense she has been consulting Hollywood psychic Jusstine [not Justine!] Kenzer about whether to dump her husband - is Cheryl into kinky emotional masochism or something? Oh well, her live burial.

Jusstine charges $200 for a half hour consultation (phone, IM, Morse, etc), $100 for a follow-up. You ask her the questions (eg "Should I leave Ashley?") and she gives you instant answers ("Well, actually he's your soulmate ..."). Among her clients are Dustin Hoffman and Ellen DeGeneres. She predicted all five Emmy category nominations one year for a US TV channel.

If atheist propagandist Derren Brown ever pulls off a similar trick, do let me know. Predictions, mind, not "telepathic" mind games in an auditorium full of gullible 30-something Guardian readers nurtured on Ian McEwan novels.

But talented as I'm sure Jusstine is (I may book her for a psychic party in London this summer hosted by Molly Parkin and me at the Chelsea Arts Club), she should listen to Madame Arcati: Donate your engagement ring to a worthy cause - don't let £100k go to waste on a bony digit.

Cheryl & Ashley Cole: Come on, sling your marital bling for Haiti

Dear Mr & Mrs Cole,

Look, I'll be honest with you. I couldn't give a fuck about your marriage split. That's your business. You're both very rich, very famous, very spoilt people. You are both decadent. Cheryl, your engagement ring alone cost £100,000 - and bought from the proceeds of a legal settlement with the lying News of the World. Don't deny it: you admitted it to Piers Morgan in GQ.

Brand Cole is worth cumulatively at least (but much more than) £30m. Now you are about to divorce. Here's a piece of advice.

Do something useful for a change and auction off all the bling associated with your union for the benefit of Haiti. Fight fight fight for life. Ashley, forget about your cock for one moment and think outside that sullen, self-absorbed nature of yours. You wanker. Cheryl, forget about your pain, your airport poses, your moody pouts (do you really want to be Posh The Sequel?), your silly planted tabloid tales and all the rest of the tabloid shit.

About 250,000 people lost their lives in the recent Haiti tragedy. About 2 million are homeless. Even your bling won't make much difference. But what an example it would set to the tabloid morons who envy your good fortune. Turn your pain into something useful.

Do it.

(Mega-PR Mark Borkowski's petition seeking to persuade Cheryl and Ashley to sling their bling for Haiti  - click here.)

Madame Arcati

Piers Morgan: Is Simon Cowell planning to sideline him?

On my recent tour of London goss salons one rumour pops up repeatedly - that Simon Cowell plans to sideline Piers Morgan fom his TV formats. And why? Because Morgan is just too good and more popular than the dark lord himself.

Really? I express doubts to my sources: Morgan has certainly enjoyed a good summer what with his Katie Price audience, his benign duel with Sir Cliff, his toyboy status in the SuBo universe: only today there's news of Cilla breaking down on one of his TV shows, not about bloody Bobby again one hopes. All very impressive. But Cowell has now attained a Gatsby-like status, confirmed by his £1m 50th birthday party the other day, with his co-ownership of ITV a credible reported aim. I conclude this rumour is just horrible mischief.

Then quite by chance I happen on PR-meister Mark Borkowski's stimulating and always insightful blog where he posits his theory about Morgan and Cowell. Have a read - scroll down to the Morgan pic on the posting. Borkowski is uniquely a philosopher-PR with I suspect a mystical side. Certainly he's shrewd. But don't tell him. Such praise might go to his head.

Mark McGowan - why Bryn needs a Madame Arcati Lick-Wash

NoticeMe-meister Mark McGowan has sent me his latest video - his burning of the effigy of Gordon Brown. Why Gord? Why not David Cameron or that boring polyglot amoeba Nick Clegg or that fat BNP cunt Nick Griffin? McGowan's gone off a bit lately: he really screwed up on Jade and now he's worn the wrong party frock on Gord: Gord's got four planets in Pisces, OK?, so he can't help but be secretive, cryptic, sneaky, dour, grim, insincere, dark: astrologically he belongs to the shadows. Leave the man alone! He is precisely the leader we need for these tiresome times. He'll look the part in the history news footage. Ghastly! It's fate's synchronicity! Ask Sting.

But Mark has accidentally discovered a star - Bryn. He plays the piano and sings a song from 2:30 on (just skip through the Gordy idiot fire bit). I love this man. Wonderful voice, the piano is filthy sexy: his mack is disgusting: his hands are grubby: oh God, some people need a lick-wash, doncha think? D'ya think Bryn would like a Madame Arcati Lick-Wash? What's the song? - one line is "They're gonna take the baby into care" and another is "she's a disposable girl" and "she'll become a femme fatale". Name that tune, cunties.