Cheryl Cole consults Dustin Hoffman's psychic!

Jusstine Kenzer

Honestly, I don't know why I bother. A few weeks ago I advised Cheryl Cole and her promiscuous cock-cunting footballer husband Ashley to donate all their marriage bling to Haiti now their merger is on the rocks. It was PR Mark Borkowski's idea, bless him.

Now I see that instead of listening to my (and Mark's) good sense she has been consulting Hollywood psychic Jusstine [not Justine!] Kenzer about whether to dump her husband - is Cheryl into kinky emotional masochism or something? Oh well, her live burial.

Jusstine charges $200 for a half hour consultation (phone, IM, Morse, etc), $100 for a follow-up. You ask her the questions (eg "Should I leave Ashley?") and she gives you instant answers ("Well, actually he's your soulmate ..."). Among her clients are Dustin Hoffman and Ellen DeGeneres. She predicted all five Emmy category nominations one year for a US TV channel.

If atheist propagandist Derren Brown ever pulls off a similar trick, do let me know. Predictions, mind, not "telepathic" mind games in an auditorium full of gullible 30-something Guardian readers nurtured on Ian McEwan novels.

But talented as I'm sure Jusstine is (I may book her for a psychic party in London this summer hosted by Molly Parkin and me at the Chelsea Arts Club), she should listen to Madame Arcati: Donate your engagement ring to a worthy cause - don't let £100k go to waste on a bony digit.

Cheryl & Ashley Cole: Come on, sling your marital bling for Haiti

Dear Mr & Mrs Cole,

Look, I'll be honest with you. I couldn't give a fuck about your marriage split. That's your business. You're both very rich, very famous, very spoilt people. You are both decadent. Cheryl, your engagement ring alone cost £100,000 - and bought from the proceeds of a legal settlement with the lying News of the World. Don't deny it: you admitted it to Piers Morgan in GQ.

Brand Cole is worth cumulatively at least (but much more than) £30m. Now you are about to divorce. Here's a piece of advice.

Do something useful for a change and auction off all the bling associated with your union for the benefit of Haiti. Fight fight fight for life. Ashley, forget about your cock for one moment and think outside that sullen, self-absorbed nature of yours. You wanker. Cheryl, forget about your pain, your airport poses, your moody pouts (do you really want to be Posh The Sequel?), your silly planted tabloid tales and all the rest of the tabloid shit.

About 250,000 people lost their lives in the recent Haiti tragedy. About 2 million are homeless. Even your bling won't make much difference. But what an example it would set to the tabloid morons who envy your good fortune. Turn your pain into something useful.

Do it.

(Mega-PR Mark Borkowski's petition seeking to persuade Cheryl and Ashley to sling their bling for Haiti  - click here.)

Madame Arcati