Iris Robinson: A 19-year-old cock sexes up dreary Northern Ireland

Yes, Mrs Robinson. Kirk, below

Thank God Himself for a 19-year-old cock and the role it is playing in possibly liberating the wife of Northern Ireland's First Minister from the hideous straitjacket of evangelical Christianity.

Only last year Protestant Iris Robinson, 60, quoted bibilical scripture in her condemnation of homosexuality as an abomination (I must recommend Paul Golding's masterly novel The Abomination, btw). Now we learn she had an extra-marital affair with gorgeous, strapping Catholic Kirk McCambley, 21, but 19 or 20 when they commenced the abomination of extra-marital cock-cunting. And in a cruel irony for Mrs R, Kirk has become an instant gay pinup, with Attitude eager to book him as a cover boy.

If Iris has any sense at all, she'll embrace her sin for its bleaching effect on her foolish prejudices and thank her God for the opportunity to join the rest of the human race at long last.

Kirk's young cock has even given Northern Ireland a sudden Gok Wan-style image makeover. After decades of terraced housing drear, it at last sounds interesting, enticing, beguiling. Sexy even. The moral corsets have been snipped at, the eternal Mondayish image yielding to a snap of Friday Nights. Iris and her 19-year-old cock are just the tip of the iceberg. One hopes. His cock has also done what the churches failed to do - united Catholics and Protestants in stunned surprise if not horror. So that's Cock 1 God 0.

Meantime, do visit Kirk's now notorious cafe - which Iris helped finance. The Lock Keeper's Inn is doing a roaring trade as natives flock to catch sight of the young cock fully dressed. As the Belfast Telegraph reports, "While the lure of hot drinks when temperatures were as low as -4C made a seat in the small cafe an attractive proposition, many of those who thronged it were lured by something more than cappuccinos and muffins." Such as one Janice Richards (33), a full-time mother from south Belfast, who said to the paper: “It is just such a surprise, to think with someone so young.”

What the darling means: "It is just such a surprise, to think with a 19-year-old cock." Here, I'll save you time.

The story of Iris and Kirk ....