Ivana Trump: OK, she wipes her arse but what about her website?

We know she wipes her own arse because her effervescent London PR (and bff) Liz Brewer said so on Big Brother's Little Brother this weekend as Ivana settled in the Celebrity Big Brother house.

Does Ivana wipe her bottom? loyal Liz was asked by the nondescript male host, the latest incarnation of shouty laddy cool (under 30). "Of course she wipes her bottom," she said quickly before chiding Ivana's fellow giggly housemates for discourtesy to her client and telling us Ivana's looking for a new life direction now she's getting divorced (again), etc.

She may Andrex herself but in one respect at least she needs a helping hand - updating her dusty website. As a self-confessed global icon she really must set a better example (if only to other icons) and follow the template of her face with more frequent nips and tucks to her online visage.

Take her Current Activities page, for example. This was clearly written around the time of the engagement of daughter Ivanka to Jared Kushner, in mid-July last year, which she crows about. "The happy couple are keeping their plans a closely guarded secret until nearer the date they want the world to know," she reveals. Well, they married in late October, should you care. Surely Ivana could have posted her congratulations and a few pics! Very lax.

Her Public Appearances page fails to mention CBB and her Ivana Haute Couture has the faint whiff of neglected potpourri: a few of her posing portraits would not disgrace a Wham! album  - I mean, Ivana Eau De Parfum was launched in 1995, a relatively modern item: some Basenotes critic bitches claim they can't get this scent any more.

On the Reality TV Show page we are touchingly invited to watch her show Ivana Young Man - on Saturday, April 29th.

2005.

Excitedly I click to the Barrier Reef Project which Ivana promises will push back the "boundaries of luxury and opulence in a condominium development" on Queensland's Arlie Beach. Alas, a link for more info proves to be dead. It seems that as recently as 2005 this project faded into the PR grave - rather like Ivana's $150 million La Residence tower plan for glamorous Beirut.

Now, if she'd added the words "archive" and "dreams" to describe her website, I wouldn't have said a word.

Ivanka Trump: You, too, can suck your way to success (just like she didn't)

Donald Trump's Stepford daughter Ivanka tweets me with a come-on to buy her self-help book The Trump Card: Playing To Win in Work and Life. Aged 27, a mere two years out of school, this daddy girl magnate-ette and newly-wed already bestrides the globe as vice-president of the Trump Organisation. To the obvious and correct accusation that her meteoric rise is due to nepotism (and a bit of Paris Hilton-like lucky-me savvy), she displays her proclaimed "humility" with this three-word response in her Introduction: "Get over it".

Her book celebrates her glory in the form of advice to fellow 20-something females wishing to graduate in (a dry form of) corporate fellatio. "When I reach for a book to help me past a hurdle or two in my business life, I don't go looking for a dry manual written by some sixty-year-old male," she writes. But of course. Who needs a manual of experience with her DNA (daddy 'n' all)? Her reference elsewhere to "wizened old boardroom veterans" would suggest the seasoned colleagues of Trump père might want to consider throwing themselves out of a nearby skyscraper window before they're thrown. Watch as their creped, wizened flesh ripples on the downturn.

But Ivanka disciples may need reminding that she is not quite yet the Living Incarnation of Success. The Trump Ocean Resort Baja Mexico, a Trump branded development, went belly up late last year. Its investors claim to have lost $32m and are suing Trump, Ivanka and her brother Donald Trump Jr as well as others for fraud, negligence and breach of fiduciary duty. And in February of this year, The Donald and Ivanka stepped down from the board of Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc prior to its bankruptcy over multi-billion dollar debts.

As Ivanka writes in a surprise outbreak of sense: "It's all too easy to take one tiny misstep in the wrong direction and end up on a completely wrong road."

Here's Ivanka's corporate response to the Baja debacle.