Matt Smith and Doctor Who: Dildo head is inspired

How narrow is the new Doctor Who body type.

A perfect childbirth-friendly oblong makes up Matt Smith's head: no wonder his mum adores the poppet. She wouldn't have needed an epidural with a dildo bonce like that sliding out between her legs. And but for a sliver of nose bridge, he'd be cycloptic, or Prince Charles. The big hair forms a steeple that falls in compressive well cut waves, rendering a rubbery face trapped between exotic lift doors. The Tardis' interior has expanded into a 70s basement nightclub with railed galleries and dayglo mezzanine, drawing attention to the lack of horizontal space the new Who incarnation takes up.

In other words, Matt Smith is an inspired choice.

In addition he delivers us from the panto theatrics of his predecessor David Tennant, also narrow but not this narrow. Tennant is so peculiarly tall that his height compensated for lack of screen spread.

Smith's physical singularity complements a precocious gravitas. The good doctors are always old - in spirit if not body - and Smith pulls off the trick of fresh agedness: a 16 year-old going on 26 going on 906 with no sticky wet dream interlude. An oddity, then, but not an alienating freak: voice modulation speaks educated but celibate cock-cuntedness, as in the better cartoons about male loners (eg Bugs Bunny).

Madame Arcati is most enchanted. The last decent Doctor was of course Tom Baker. The ones in between were unfortunate errors.