The News of the World's resident bitch Carole Malone must be paid by the number of hells she packs into her opinion pieces each tax year. Just a few samples ....
On Baby P's mother, Tracey Connelly, 16.08.2009
"Why the hell should I worry about Connelly's safety?"
On bumbling Bob Quick who inadvertently revealed an al-Qaeda plot to blow up Manchester's Trafford Centre, 12.04.2009
"Hell's teeth-we're fighting a global war on terror here!"
"Why the hell was he ever given the job in the first place?"
On Judge Ian Trigger's disciplinary for comments made while sentencing a Jamaican drug dealer, 09.08.2009
"And who the hell cares what they [illegal immigrants] feel?"
On Anne Robinson's face lifts, 30.08.2009
"What the hell's wrong with a woman trying to look the best she can?"
On the Hell's Kitchen Antichrist chef Gordon Ramsay swearing about someone, 13.06.2009
"[He] can dish it out, he sure as hell can't take it."
On a demo by "extremist" Muslims, 15.03.2009
"Those guys from the 2nd Battalion The Royal Anglian Regiment sure as hell didn't deserve what they got on the streets of Luton."
Before the Screws, Carole had hell at the Sunday Mirror, too. A few samples ....
On Baby Spice of the Spice Girls, 07.11.1999
"Chris Evans rang HER nine times last week to ask her out. With friends like that, you sure as hell don't need enemies."
On the "murdering al-Qaeda bastards" who bombed London, 10.07.2005
"Where were you when you heard those murdering al-Qaeda bastards had bombed the hell out of London?"
"People lay trapped in smoking hell-holes underground, as bandaged, blood-soaked commuters ricocheted around trying to work out what the hell had happened that sunny summer's morning, the rest of us knew only too well. "
On Mary Wragg's "devastated mother" act in a mercy killing case, 18.12.2005
Headline: "CAROLE MALONE: Jacob's parents as guilty as Hell"
On Celebrity Big Brother's Chantelle, 15.07.2007
Headline: "IT'S HARDLY CHANT-HELL"
On two policewomen awarded £400k for horror witnessed at Dunblane, 21.03.1999
"If those officers didn't receive the counselling they thought they deserved why the hell didn't they fight for it in the same way they are now fighting for £400,000?"
On Sue Barker's wealth, 22.12.2002
"Just how the hell does Ms Barker afford a £110,000 Ferrari and a £2m mansion?"
My favourite piece of Carole's combines her hell-fire prose with her unerring inability to prophesy ...
Screws: On Britain's Got Talent winner Susan Boyle [or Subo], 31.05.2009
"WON? Lost? It doesn't actually matter. What matters is that Susan Boyle is on the road to hell."
This kind of hell? Global fame, a star turn on America's Got Talent (16.09.2009), riches, etc?
Or if you prefer, SuBo remixed
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