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Brazilians have the biggest cocks, a Spanish prostitute told Rupert Everett in his fabby C4 doc series The Scandalous Adventures of Lord Byron. Is this true? Perhaps pan-sexualists will get in touch with their rough guide.
After a lifetime of cock-cunting TV talking faces boring us around the world - Alan Whicker and Michael Pailin come straight to mind (as well as the cunt-cocking Gloria Hunniford) - the cock-cocking-cunting Rupert Everett is a fizzy blast of irreverence in snoozy Sofaland.
He salivated at the prospect of sherbert and sodomy in Turkey, and grew dreamy at the thought of Bryon fucking his 17-year-old Greek boy lover 200 times in a monastery. I had no idea Byron had frolicked with a brutal, long-fingered warlord in Albania who grew hard at the sight of the poet's little white hands: while in Albania, Rupes appeared on a TV talk show and confirmed Madonna sweats. The bits of Bryronic poetry recited were a small price to pay.
Rupes gave us a strip show in an embassy and revealed his arse on at least three other occasions. His biceps are troublingly bloated: big enough to contain wombs for lucrative surrogacy. And he's looking good again, especially now he has a stubbly, astroturfy dark beard.
Other persons whose steps he should follow in include Lord Alfred Douglas, Ted Heath, Tallulah Bankhead and Noel Coward. I envisage a collection of cunt-cocking-cunting, cock-cunting-cocking (or just cock-cocking, cock-pseudo-cocking, cunt-cunting) permutations complete with tasteful royal or upperclass anecdotes and delightful scenery. According to Rupes, Queen Elizabeth II is "well hung".
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