I know many of you wonder what Madame Arcati does on Christmas Day, hoping to model your lives on my biorhythmic highs and lows as well as cultural habits. Naturally I must be allowed my space and privacy, but in the spirit of festive giving, here's a suggested timeline to get you through the 25th, part-inspired by the Pope's encouragement to gender blur (by condemning it) and to hug trunks (of trees and other hard oblong objects). Try to keep to the times dearies, as you parallel me, and do have a wonderful time. A single click on each video image should do it ....
10.48am You get up, gaze in the mirror and you think ... I'm So Beautiful ...
11.01am Ablutions-time: refresh those nooks and crannies - but can you trust your relatives not to wander in?
11.30am You're showered and fresh, time for a breakfast gobble as your folks natter over a used Hollywood magazine ...
Midday Mmm, that was sooooo nutritious. Oh fuck, the chicken ... please do not do what's done to the chicken here: would you prefer a roasted pink flamingo?
3pm The Queen weeps for the poor. Here's HM rehearsing ...
5.20pm Yum yum, it's Christmas din-sins: but such times can be a time of familial discord ...
7.30pm Time to burn off those Nigella-inspired calories - and don't forget the urine injection ...
8pm Time to reflect on a high point of 2008 ...
8.15pm Now for the evening movie - naturally a family movie featuring a Christian woman married to an X-rated movie theatre owner ....
Midnight Time to retire and rest the weary head so that one's soul may fly elsewhere ... but take off the make-up first ...
1am Oh, I forgot to open my prezzies. Ah - just what I always wanted, an inflatable slide ...
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