The Lady magazine and its (first?) astrologer

This week I make my debut in The Lady as its (first?) astrologer. My weekly horoscope column is terse and prescriptive and will (probably) improve your life. It is accompanied by my feature on why astrology is not rubbish - an idea suggested by editor and Virgo Rachel Johnson.

If there's one thing I've learned in the past few weeks on Twitter about the doubters, sceptics and preachy knockers of astrology (such as Prof Brian Cox, the very touchy Piscean who cannot bear criticism) is that complete ignorance of the subject in no way hinders blinkered ridicule. Science has sired a generation that just 'knows' things without research in the same way priests of old heard voices.

I hope you find my column entertaining and true. For a flavour of the magazine, click here The Lady. The digital edition sets you back £1. The print copy £2.

Anthony Burgess, the Tarot and his inner Madame Arcati

Anthony Burgess and his palm

Given the supernatural flavour of the festive season - Christ's cot, the Pope and Shrek meld into a methane-fuelled hallucination - it is with some delight I learn today that the late Anthony Burgess, author of A Clockwork Orange, was something of a Madame Arcati himself.

Not only a student of the divinatory arts, such as astrology and the Tarot, he also wrote a short story back in the early 60s called Chance Would Be a Fine Thing which was broadcast on BBC Radio 3 in October. I am deeply bitter I missed this. Someone will suffer. We now have to wait till 2013 before it's published in a collection of newly discovered work.

We can thank the scholar squirrel Dr Andrew Biswell, director of the International Anthony Burgess Foundation, for unearthing this work. In a Telegraph report Dr Biswell says: “[Burgess] had a strong interest in horoscopes, tarot cards and predictive dreams. In the second volume of his autobiography he even claimed to have predicted the assassination of President Kennedy in 1963.”

The celebrated Tarot reader Mary K Greer recounts: "[Burgess] is known to have read cards at a village fete in the 1950s disguised as ‘Professor Sosostris the famous clairvoyant.'"

Professor Sosostris - has a ring to it.

Quentin Crisp speaks at séance: 'Even homos live beyond death'

A winged Quentin Crisp

The Australian contingent of the Church of Madame Arcati informs me that the late Quentin Crisp has communicated his thoughts via a medium. A recording of the séance has been posted on Australian former lawyer and outspoken Spiritualist Victor Zammit's website  (scroll down for the link on his site).

The voice purporting to be that of Quentin says: 'One of the reasons that I come through is to prove that even homosexuals live beyond death... It proves that the Catholics are speaking out from where the sun doesn't shine. Why, pray, would you not live beyond death because you're homosexual. There's lots of ignoramuses ...'

I have to say that the voice sounds nothing like Quentin's, though the speaker has adopted a pawsh drawl of the Lady Bracknell variety: and the opinions expressed would predictably be those of Quentin. The vulgar allusion to an anus is out of character, however. And Catholics do not claim that homosexuals do not survive death; rather, that eternal damnation is the devil's Pontin's for poofters, though you won't hear old Ratzi with his pussy cats saying that publicly.

As for the voice of Quentin, where's Rory Bremner these days?

William & Kate's wedding day: virgin on the ridiculous

St Catherine of Siena

Further evidence that Madame Arcati anticipates the zeitgeist is the date chosen for the wedding of the century (so far). Prince 'Big Louis' William will take Catherine Middleton, the future Duchess of Cambridge, to be his wife on April 29 next - which just happens to be the feast day of an Arcati favourite, St Catherine of Siena!

I alone among bloggers have written extensively about the virgin St Catherine. She may have passed away in the 14th Century for the sake of her hymen but she is in fact still fully sentient and engaged with our modern world. She employs as her current mouthpiece the US medium Elizabeth Baron to convey her funkily-expressed thoughts and recollections. I have been unstinting in chronicling them.

St Catherine was instrumental in the capture of the Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega; and who can forget St Catherine's claim that Joaquin Phoenix is possessed by the troubled soul of Johnny Cash? Ms Baron, too, likes to name-drop: do read my tale of her seance with the Hollywood siren Lana Turner, still screaming beyond the grave in a most unseemly way about this and that.

Is this honouring of St C by the House of Windsor (1917 - ) some sort of augury of things to come for Wills and Kate? St C's persistence in staying alive bodes well for marital longevity. But her militant virginity may prove irksome in the creation of an heir and spare. Others, more sceptical than I, may wonder about the royal couple's connection to reality given the heroic claims of St C.

Certainly old Ratzi in his Vatican palace must be delighted as Anglicans flail about under old beardie. It's a wonder the Pope is not marrying the pretty pair.

Old Moore's Almanack 2011: More political sex scandals - and a royal wedding?

Is the Cosmic Deity a Tory?

This I ask myself as I leaf through the newly published 2011 edition of Old Moore's Almanack, the astrological annual that's been going since 1697. Foreseeing the reintroduction of "life-values that have been largely missing for 20 years," (ie, since Maggie Thatch was booted out), traditionalist stargazer "Dr Francis Moore" writes approvingly of "discipline, self-discipline, respect and responsibility" in Pluto's wake as it hot tracks its bulldozer through debt mountains via puppets George Osborne, Vince Vable and co.

If I didn't know better, I'd imagine Tory spinner Andy Coulson had dictated Old Moore's diatribe. But let's not be unpleasant. What else does OM predict for the coming year?

Writing at the start of 2010, and presumably before the coalition was slicked together, OM wonders aloud whether another general election will be called in 2011. Sounds as if the government will be riven by subterfuge and plots - foreign to Westminster as we know. July '11 is particularly horrid with "scandals involving individual ministers and illicit affairs". One can only hope there will be a sufficient number of elected LibDems left to go around.

The story of the LibDem whose epic sexual escapades kept the local coppers busy in earlier times has yet to hit the headlines. I'm saying nothing, for the sake of national unity. And the story of the ex-party leader who extra-maritally fucked a famous author in Brighton is also Arcati-classified.

Prince William is unlikely to contribute to bunting sales with a wedding before 2011 - indeed, Kate Middleton sounds like a right madam and is unlikely to tie the knot if the future king doesn't build a domestic shrine to her first. You go, girlfriend! Listen to those Loose Women tarts. Still, OM thinks there could be a royal wedding next summer, "at which the Queen will be a happy and conspicuous participant."

This will come as some relief to those who recall her demeanour at the Charles/Camilla registry job. She did everything but break wind, audibly. Happily, HM is not due to do a Dignitas on us and could very well out-live David Cameron's smug smiles.

Piers Morgan is warned of "over-exposure" in the media next year. Surely not. For loads of other predictions, Old Moore's Almanack 2011 is on sale at £2.50. And visit Old Moore's website.

10 Downing St News: 'Tuesday night's the earliest, folks!'

Sunday Times astrologer Shelley von Strunckel tweets: "Oh, before I go, according to the stars, Downing St-wise, nothing will be settled until after 10:30 Tuesday evening. Just so you know."

Manuel Noriega: Did the 14th Century Saint Catherine snitch on his whereabouts?

Manuel Noriega

It's not every day I get to write about the former dictator of Panama, Manuel Noriega, lately extradited to France from the US to face charges that he laundered $7 million in drug profits by purchasing luxury apartments in Paris in the 1980s. I have a strange tale to tell about him, so settle down... and stay quiet!

The respected American medium Elizabeth Baron has confided in her followers that it was she who helped the US military find Noriega in 1989. She writes in a monthly newsletter just released: 'Just after December 20, 1989, when the US invaded Panama, a US Air Force major showed up at Elizabeth's door. This Air Force major was part of Elizabeth's local meditation group at the time and he had just put some young soldiers on a military transport plane to go to Panama. He asked Elizabeth if she would tune in to find the whereabouts of Noriega. "This is urgent, Elizabeth. Could we have a session with St. Catherine? My General is waiting for help."'

The 14th Century St Catherine, I should explain, is Baron's spirit guide: her full name is St Catherine of Siena. Anyway....

St Catherine

'So they met later at her office to see if she could help. Elizabeth lay down on her couch, and began to channel St Catherine in hopes that she would help. She stated that Noriega was being sheltered in a large white building with a red slate roof on a beautiful lake or body of water. He is being hidden in this place where women wear long flowing robes (habits) and they are treating him well.

'The Major immediately knew that Catherine was talking about the Vatican Embassy in Panama. Within a few hours, according to what he relayed to Elizabeth, black hawk helicopters were surrounding the Embassy with foghorns, demanding Noriega to come out of his hiding. Sometime after, he was arrested and brought to Miami, where he served many years in prison.'

It's certainly true that Operation Nifty Package - the US Navy SEAL operation tasked to capture Noriega - found him in the Apostolic Nunciature in Panama City. It was perhaps unfortunate that though St Catherine owes her modern celebrity to the Roman Catholic Church, The Holy See back in 1989 was most put out by the raucous music played by the US soldiers in order to flush Noriega out - this included I Fought The Law by The Clash - and was not entirely helpful.

Is there any merit in Baron's story? I have no idea. But I'm not going to tolerate some newspaper moronic atheist censoring it.  Here's Elizabeth Baron's website.

Astrologer Eric Francis interview: 'Self-sex is the sex of the future'

Eric Francis. Photo by Kristos Katzios on Mykonos

Eric Francis is one of the world's most influential astrologers - as well as an award-winning investigative reporter. A quarter of a million people follow his astrology websites Planet Waves and Cosmic Confidential every month (links below), and his periodic cover sun sign horoscopes in the Daily Mail and many other publications have reached far larger audiences worldwide. Based in New York, Eric talks to Madame Arcati about his stargazing work - and his belief that self-sex - or masturbation - has an important future role to play in building emotionally healthier relationships. 

Eric Francis! Astrologer extraordinaire! Tell us where you live, the most interesting vista from your home and how many hours a day you work.

I live in the world. Since 1998 I’ve written Planet Waves from about a dozen countries and lived long-term in half of them, most recently Belgium. I grew up in Brooklyn and I now make home in Kingston, New York. It’s a mountain town that’s the old capital of New York State, and it’s about two hours driving time north of New York City. It was burned down by the Brits in 1777 and I don’t think the locals have recovered.

I’m a restless person and I need a state of continuous change, although my Cancer ascendant wants familiarity and stability. Part of how I handle that is when I’m not traveling, I live and work between two different environments. I’ll describe the view from both. My apartment is on an ordinary city street but off the back porch is what looks like a rolling estate that’s been divided into backyards. It’s quiet and it feels like the country and has a secluded feeling. One cold night I found a possum on my back porch, eating the food I leave for my phantom cat.

My photo studio is a few blocks away, located in a business district that’s within the original 900-foot square bounds of a ‘stockade’ built by the Dutch in the 1600s to keep out the Indians. There, I live surrounded by my own artwork; that is the main vista. From one of my studio windows, I look out over a very old intersection in the middle of what appears for all the world to be an idyllic American small town. In some ways it is.

Most of the time I work about 12 hours a day, and depending on the time of year, that can go on five or six days a week. I’m a writer by profession but it happens that writing is also one of my passions. Photography is another, and when I’m involved in those things the creative aspect is more noticeable than the work aspect.

I first came across you when you covered for the Daily Mail's Jonathan Cainer -- he obviously thinks very highly of you -- and then I started reading your astrology websites Cosmic Confidential, Planet Waves and other sites. I understand the late Patric Walker inspired you to be an astrologer -- how did he do that and was he the best ever?

Photo by Danielle Voiron in Paris

Jonathan has been extremely kind to me. If I told some of the stories of his generosity you might not believe them, though understating things considerably, he's a mensch -- Yiddish for authentic human being. I have never known someone with such fame and acclaim to provide so many opportunities for young people to show their talent and get a solid start. Truly, we need more of this in the world and Jon is an excellent example of standing up for who and what you believe in.

As for someone else who previously wrote for the Mail -- I knew about astrology for a long time before the Patric Walker horoscope (published locally in the NY Post) got my attention and proved that astrology is real. Patric spoke to me, and he spoke to the millions; he had that gift, though I think I heard him with unusual depth judging from the influence he had on my life. I followed his writing every day for a couple of years, astonished. I noticed he mentioned the positions of the planets in his interpretations; Patric would always leave his margin notes in the column. So over the years, I was thinking about the cosmos, using my daily horoscope as an ephemeris. Then one day I reached the boiling point and I had to figure out how he did it; so I bought an ephemeris and studied his column every night.

Patric was amazing. I think of him as the cosmic voice of reason. Part of what you do as a newspaper astrologer is you take up the voice of the cosmic order and you let it speak through you. Patric could to this beautifully, with true Libran elegance, yet he had the other part of Libra, which is a sense of justice. The precision of his timing and his ability to describe theme would evoke the sense that he was translating information from another realm, personally for you. He was always relevant, and never trivial. That was the hallmark of his column. I found this so compelling that I had to peer behind the veil of astrology and learn how to do it. In this way, Patric was the first astrologer I consciously adopted as a teacher. He is still my teacher today.

Unusually, you're an investigative reporter and you've written stories on Monsanto, General Electric, etc., for The New York Times, the Village Voice, Sierra magazine and The Ecologist. How did friends and family react to your career change? Did it affect your credibility as a journalist?

Investigative reporting and astrology writing have more in common than most people would imagine. For example, you have to sift through vast amounts of data and arrive at a fairly succinct description of the world. It’s necessary to write about complex matters in a way that people understand. Both call on the writer to be fair and broad-minded. The astrology I do requires the ability to understand science (particularly the subtle points of astronomy), and investigative journalism has helped greatly with that.

That said, there are important differences. At the time I took up astrology, I was ready to let go of the kind of hard-edged journalism I had been doing my whole adult life. I wanted to do something more personally meaningful to people on the human dimension. This required a deep commitment to change, since I had invested so many years and so much focus in my journalism career. I started at about 14 and was 30 at the time astrology called me. I was an up and coming rock star investigative reporter, handling serious issues and starting to get international attention. I could have gone anywhere I wanted from there, within that profession. Yet I chose something else, with full awareness.

Photo by Kristos Katzios on Mykonos

I’m sure it was confounding to people who had experienced me as someone so devoted to supposedly objective truth, and exposing the frauds of science, to take up something that is widely perceived to be a fraud. My feeling was, people might think that this reflects poorly on my journalistic credibility, but my journalistic credibility ought to be what reflects a positive light on astrology. I use my background to my advantage, if among skeptics.

How long did it take before you started practising as an astrologer? And what's your star sign?

After seven years of studying A Course in Miracles, and the other esoteric arts, I bought my first ephemeris on my birthday in March 1994. By April 1995 I was the author of an astrology column, in a magazine called Free Time. I am still writing that column today. I credit learning astrology so fast to the fact that I began writing about it for an audience early in my studies. I am a Pisces, though Aquarius is very strong in my chart. I have a Cancer ascendant, plenty of Chiron and a nice aspect between Mercury and Neptune.

What makes a good astrologer? Predictive ability? Most people just want to know about the future don't they?

I think what makes a good astrologer is to speak to people in a way people can relate to. You can be a great technical astrologer but if you cannot relate to people as people, what good is that? It’s vitally important to be judicious with astrology, and not the kind who thinks it’s about power. It’s true that people tend to have a future orientation, but I have noticed that this is often a distraction from their curiosity about themselves. I view my role as an astrologer as helping people stoke their self-inquiry, and to use the information coming from their chart to create the future rather than ‘have it happen’.

The problem is not that astrology is not capable of being used as a predictive tool, in certain hands; in my view it’s that prediction narrows the potential of the future when we can just as easily open up the door to better options. We can use the chart to see and create options for choice, rather than to pre-dictate.

Have you made a prediction about a world event you'd like to tell us about, or make one? Britain is in the throes of a general election...

Once in the summer of 1996, I was writing an article, and I saw that Chiron was about to go over the North Node in Libra. I thought: this looks like it has the potential for alien contact. I don’t usually write about alien contact and truthfully, it seemed a little out-there. So I took that statement out of the column! Then that month, Nasa called a press conference to announce for the first time they felt they had proof-positive of life on another planet — bacteria found in a Mars rock that had landed on Earth. I know this is not ET or Mr Spock, but it was certainly on theme. After that I learned to trust my perception and be bolder in my writing.

As a result of that policy, some years later I inadvertently predicted an earthquake the day of that horrendous quake in Haiti. That said, I do my best to avoid prediction and rather prefer to present my readers with a map of the world, which shows us some of the better routes we can take to the future. As for England: I am less concerned about this one election and more concerned about the fear and narrowness that I see gathering on your island, a place I hold dear to my heart.

I may be wrong on this, but why do so many professional astrologers have such disastrous love lives? Patric pined for the love of his life, actor Richard Chamberlain, and I hardly know of a stargazer who does not seem afflicted in the emotional department. (This is one way of asking you about your sex life, btw).

I don’t know enough to confirm that astrologers go through what you say, disproportionately from the rest of the population. But let’s imagine that’s true for a moment. I could see, and I’ve experienced, a few reasons why. We are constantly exposed to people's relationship troubles. They’re why most people come to astrologers, and frankly we do a lot of post-mortems on failed love affairs. And I think there are risks, to astrologers, in facing too much of this day-in and day-out for years. Also, astrologers tend to be exceedingly independent people. There are not a lot of relationship modalities that offer both intimacy and independence.

Photo by Danielle Voiron in Paris

I’m grateful that my background in Gestalt therapy has led me to focus on my relationship to myself. As a practitioner, I try to guide people toward closer relationships with themselves, rather than encouraging them to be hung up on whether someone loves them or not. I can tell you that my growth in relationships is a central focus of my life, and of my artwork (I am a photographer and fiction writer, at work on another project called Book of Blue).

Now, how would I sum up my sex life? The first thing to know is that I’m my own lover first, and every relationship extends from that. I think that on some level, I consider everyone my lover; I don’t think that intimacy or sexual awareness is supposed to be reserved only for ‘special relationships’. I’m curious about the eroticism of any woman I am close to, and of some men. I have a love of experimenting and exploring, though in a clear-headed and ethical way. I tend toward long-term associations that morph between friend and lover and back.

For me it’s a great pleasure to experience and be aware of the full spectrum of someone’s sexuality, not just what they experience in their relationship to me. That is to say, if you’re my lover, or a close friend, I’m going to be curious about the content of your fantasy life, how you feel about other people, and what you do, or want to do, with them. I’ve found this draws me closer to my lovers and is a reminder that we’re all phases or aspects of one another’s stories on Earth; that we represent facets of one another’s existence.

That said, I could easily see myself very happily settling into a monogamous situation, if the right one presented itself. I think that sex in any form is about being real in the moment, and that would count.

You wrote a controversial sex piece on Planet Waves which included the lines, "I have an idea that masturbation is truly feminist sex"; and, "Men who embrace conscious masturbation can relax their demand on women as their only possible sexual or emotional outlet, finding their centre and easing the pressure for sex that many women feel." Is self-sex the future?

If we want some equanimity in our sexual relationships, and our social relationships, I think that self-sex is the sex of the future. We have so much we can learn, and let go of, by sharing masturbation consciously. True, it’s not exactly romantic — and that is precisely the point: to call back all those dreamy projections and reveal ourselves for who we are; and to see others as who they are. Many people are concerned about the potential adverse consequences of sex, and I think that they would find a dimension of erotic intimacy opening up through sharing self-sex — which is the ‘safest’ sex there is.

For many, self-sex is the present: it’s the only or most easily available sex they can find; the most trustworthy; the most frequently experienced; and for some (though most would not admit it), the most satisfying sex they have. I suspect a lot of people have taken a step back from relationships as being too challenging and complicated for the pleasure they provide. There is a wide middle ground, which is inviting others into the intimacy we normally share only with ourselves. Exploring this changes all of our relationships.

For plenty there’s still guilt and misgiving in any form of sex, with self or other. I would guess that most people feel they would benefit from some kind of sexual healing process. But where do you go for that? Well, we go toward ourselves. I would say that most of our ‘stuff’ in relationships is actually about our relationships to ourselves, and I think we know that intuitively.

Self-sex is the future in terms of a journey of reconciliation with ourselves. Self-lovemaking can be vivid and passionate in a direct, loving and forgiving way. Imagine if we entered our sexual relationships from this space. There is also something basic here about turning jealousy into something really beautiful, which in a word is compersion. Couples can learn a lot through masturbating together, including the unfettered sharing of their fantasies. It's a way to cultivate deep erotic empathy.

Did business boom for you when the banks nearly collapsed? I understand many of your clients are entrepreneurs and business people. How many people all told read your horoscopes and astrological reports?

As the recession has progressed, we’ve been growing steadily as a company and my work is in greater demand; bless. There seems to be more of a call for my individual reports and private sessions currently, and a retreat from an interest in news astrology, though this is cyclical, and I am aware that we are about to experience a huge burst of curiosity about ‘the world’.

The recession takes world affairs and makes them deeply personal. In all aspects of my work, I emphasize the connection between people and the world; between our private and our public lives. One of the operating concepts of Planet Waves is, "The personal is political," and we are going to be seeing a lot more of this as the 2010-2012 alignment develops (with a major peak of energy in early June, by the way). Every aspect of life is going to call us to get more involved, and we will need the tools do navigate that involvement with clarity. Astrology is one of those tools, and it leaves room for many others.

I prefer to work with people who strive to make a contribution to the world. I strongly prefer working with people who have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, who have creative vision, and who need to participate constructively. I am often surprised who these people turn out to be, which I can tell, in part, from the vacation email replies that come back from certain subscribers when they are on holiday -- people I never would have dreamed knew about me, much less pay to read my writing.

As for numbers, lately I would put my average readership through all venues at about a quarter-million readers each month. This is a little daunting, to think that I can influence that many people's ideas about life on a regular basis.

Don't you think Sun sign astrology (the horoscopes in papers and magazines) gives stargazers a bad name? It's just showbiz, right?

If it was just showbiz, it would be easier, and it would require little in the way of ethics, or study, or talent. Part of the problem is editors, who strain to tell good astrology writing from bad, or who want horoscope writers to play down to their audience and give fashion advice. The very best newspaper astrologers also happen to be the best trained: rigorously, and gifted with a certain something extra which cannot be acquired. Writing horoscopes requires precision of both language and interpretation. Intuition counts for a lot, and vitally, so does imagination. Then you need to write as fast and prolifically as a political correspondent at the peak of a campaign, always keeping the sense of personal contact. Heck it’s so easy, anybody can do it.

And finally Eric, do you believe in an afterlife?

Well, after all this, there better be one! Yet I believe in this life more than any other and I know we have a purpose for being here -- humanity collectively, that is. Meanwhile, I’ve noticed that life is cyclical, based on my experience with nature and also with reincarnation. After you’ve looked at a few hundred birth charts, and then a few hundred more, you start to see that people are coming in with a story, and that story came from somewhere. I have significant memories certain of my own past lives, and I am conscious of who I was in some of them. So that addresses part of your question. I’m aware that there are parallel dimensions to our own, and we do a lot of crossing back and forth between them. I’ve heard some very moving stories of out of body experiences and near death experiences.

And an extraordinarily kind astrologer with a soft British accent sometimes whispers in my ear. The answer is yes.

Eric! Thank you so much for your time.

Eric's sites:
Planet Waves
Cosmic Confidential
Book of Blue
Message to Arcati readers from Eric

Astrologers foresee a Tory victory - well, many of them do

Russell Grant: Tory win slim, Parliament well hung possibly

Diddums! The media Tory Boys are all depressed!

This loose amalgam of early middleaged, Oxbridge, cock-cunting, right-wing cat lovers - mainly subsidised by the Telegraph/Spectator club, with a blog thrown in to cover the winter gas bills - despairs at Gordon Brown's apparent resurgence in the polls and David Cameron's failure to impress. Why did anyone think that Old Etonian Cameron would ever mean much to scatterbrain Generation Google? His narrow aristocratic face alone looks bereft of 18th Century wig and gilded carved pine portrait frame - I hear a strain of Bach on harpsichord as I write - not a happy thought when there's news of National Health cuts to impart to porno'd-out plebs.

While the secular political pundits nonetheless expect Tory Boy to squeak into Number 10 in May, hobbled by a hung Parliament, what do the astrologers foresee? Your intrepid Madame - a trainee astrologer herself - had a perusal. To preserve your interest I have minimised the astro-jargon: just know there's a Saturn+Pluto (boo!)-Uranus+Jupiter (hooray!) tussle going on in the heavens.

Let's start with Russell Grant -"Will Labour retain power?" he asked himself at the Telegraph last year. "It is more likely to be a very narrow Conservative majority or a hung parliament."

"Quite definitively ... Labour will not win the next election," concludes the Brown-supporting Astrotabletalk. The site's astrologer Dharmaruci predicts in par 1 "it may be a hung Parliament." By par 11 however he's foreseeing "the Tories will probably win outright, rather than there being a hung Parliament." Ah, yes.

The august Marjorie Orr wrote of Gordon Brown in 2008: "He looks unlikely to emulate Tony Blair's three terms since his career and home life will go into major transformation gear in 2010. He's likely then or the following year to change career direction totally." So that's a Tory victory.

The Sun's Mystic Meg foresees a narrow Tory win - neatly echoing the current view of its owner Rupert Murdoch.

It's not all bad news for Gord. The unfortunately named The Daze thinks: "In 2010 Pluto starts to make a conjunction with Brown's natal MC, his progressed Moon is full in 2011 and in 2012 Neptune is conjunct his natal Sun. I wonder if these powerful astrological aspects do indeed suggest that Gordon Brown is with us in his high office for quite a few years to come." NB: for 2008, The Daze has Gordon misnamed George.

Astrology for the 21st Century foresees a likely Tory victory despite an astrologically low opinion of Cameron: "Leo-Libra mix is inclined to the self-satisfied, smug, and saccharine," it writes. "I don't see much good coming of him attaining power."

The Mail's Jonathan Cainer - rumoured to make over £1m pa from his phonelines - wrote of Brown in June last year, "Right now, his luck is on the wane, but while he won't bounce back to full popularity, his luck may just help him cling to office a bit longer, if he weathers these next few days." However, it was Cainer that predicted that Hillary Clinton would win the US election and that the global economic situation wouldn't be as bad as people expected.

New York's Caroline Simon (who predicted the economic crisis) of astrology website Blue Moon is doubtful of a Cameron premiership: "He can be too dependent on others’ approval and opinions to make his own decisions,” she adjudges. What else might Dave do in the event of a thrashing at the polls? "[He] could become adept at sculpture, pottery, carpentry or stained glass."

Even so, the majority view among astrologers is that Cameron will be the next PM by a slim margin. But the heavens do not exult.

Psychic Michele Knight: 'I did predict William and Kate will get engaged ....'

Michele Knight makes a nonsense of time: she glimpses the future for a living. UK celebs (and the anonymice!) can't get enough of her Tarot readings and astrology, and her psychic brand bestrides just about all media but Hollywood feature movies. Russell Grant, she's comin' at ya! Madame Arcati probed the queen of sixth sense cool...

Michele Knight, guru to the celebs! You're everywhere! Always on the telly - you're the new astrologer on ITV1's This Morning, I hear - you're on Twitter, MySpace. You're on My Spirit Radio - you've even got your own psychic dating site Psychic Knight and website with a superstore range of psychic services. Open a magazine, there you are. Just how rich are you? How many houses have you got? Is your pension sorted?

“How very direct and straight to the point! I’m rich with abundance, but then I’ve always felt like that, even when I was living in a squat. My son remembers our early days when we would have to hide when the electricity man came and me diving down the back of the sofa to see if I could find any loose change to buy him an ice cream, but I’ve never felt any sense of lack. I’ve never felt poor, even when I probably was. I really think it’s important not to confuse success and happiness with money. And no, I don’t have any plans for retirement whatsoever. I couldn’t imagine not working. I love what I do.”

Which one public prediction are you most proud of? - the one that beyond any doubt might impress a smart-arse secular, literary intellectual who thinks they know it all - y'know a Francis Wheen or Christopher Hitchens type (or if we're slumming it, non-literary division, Derren Brown).

“I’m not sure that a smart-arse, secular, literary intellectual who thinks they know it all, as you call them, would allow themselves to be impressed by anything! How uncool would that be? I’m actually most proud when I get emailed by people who had readings from me when I started out, and they write to me now and say, remember me? I had a reading from you twenty years ago and I didn’t believe a word of it at the time, and it’s all come true since then. I get really touched by that.”

I read your rather harrowing autobio Touched By Evil - mother Italian (mine too), father an English soldier (ditto). You were often abused, the person who helped you get you through these experiences was a spirit guide called Lucy. Could you see her? Did she have an independent, sentient, personality? How do you know she wasn't some sort of projection? Why didn't she take you out of harm's way?

“I felt and heard Lucy. She was very much her own being. Remember that she was with me throughout my very early life and we don’t tend to think about things in such sophisticated terms as projections when we’re children. I wouldn’t have known what a projection was! I just took it as being my normal/abnormal life.

“Lucy did try to take care of me and guide me, but we all have to go through our own learning experiences. She couldn’t take me out of harm’s way. It was down to me to find my own way out. It’s very easy to think that being psychic somehow gives you diplomatic immunity or acts as a barrier between you and the ups and downs of life. It doesn’t. It’s quite possible to be psychic and too stubborn to listen to good advice, as I was when Lucy was around!”

Is there life after death without a shadow of doubt in your mind? Is the afterlife as real to you as ... well, Ivana Trump?

“I have no shadow of a doubt that there is life after death, but you sort of accept that and then get on with your life here. There’s far too much to do now. I also have known who I was in a past life from the age of 10 and had the most bizarre 'proof' later on in life and no I'm not going to tell you! I’ve caught Ivana Trump on Celebrity Big Brother and what a delicious cougar too, so I’m sure she exists!”

You're often filmed giving readings to the slebbies - do politicians, royalty and blue chip company bosses consult you? The Windsors love their seers ....

“I might have read for someone you’re having dinner with tomorrow night, but I couldn’t possibly say. I’m never even tempted to air-kiss and tell. Just call me Heidi Fleiss! Seriously though, I’m aware that we live in a celebrity culture, and there’s a lot of kudos to be gained for dropping any household names you’ve read for, but I won’t do that. I’d rather build my reputation by providing an exceptional service to everyone. Once you break that trust by talking out of turn about who you’ve read for and what you saw, you’ve had it. Quite rightly, too. Many people from all walks of life have been kind enough to recommend me. I’d rather let them do the talking.”

I couldn't believe you have a son in his mid-20s. You look so young! Now you're married to a woman. Was the transition from cock-cunting to cunt-cunting an effortless segue? Did it seem the most natural thing in the world or did you resist the inevitable for a while?

“I think love is the most natural thing in the world. I’ve never resisted it and I don’t make rules about what it should look like. I believe that we are all a shard of God, unique in our expression of divine creative potential, here to manifest through the process of cocreation and contrast our soul’s desire to know itself and elevate the whole. If I could do one thing to make the entire Western world happier tomorrow, it would be to just allow people to find out for themselves what makes them truly happy without having to call it anything. And yes, falling in love with my breathtakingly gorgeous wife was effortless.”

I read somewhere that you once read for a 75-year-old woman and you could see she'd had 3 lovers in her life. Can you tell how many Madame Arcati has saddled up beneath her faux Queen Anne quilt? Alternatively, how does the information reach you - by impressions? pictures? words?

“I think you’re very brave to put your reputation on the line like this. Very few of us could really stand up to that kind of public scrutiny. Too many lovers and you’re promiscuous, too few and you’re inadequate. Thankfully, I’m more broadminded than that, but I am shocked to hear you sleep under a faux Queen Anne quilt. What’s wrong with a nice bit of Egyptian cotton?

“I actually can’t describe how I know things. It’s like, if someone asked you to describe how you know what your name is, you couldn’t. You just know it. When I’m doing readings, I use Tarot cards, or I can look at someone’s astrological chart, but that’s just the starting place. They are tools to focus my intention, and then things just come.”

The obvious thing to say about you is you're turning out to be the next Russell Grant. Do you want that? I like Russell but his horoscopes can be a bit harsh - not for me to suggest that he wants the reader to consult his psychic phonelines for some reassurance after such a battering. How would you characterise your approach?

“I think life is what you make of what comes your way. So yes, the planets can have an influence on what’s going on around us, or we may be fated to meet certain experiences along our path, but we write the story. I have a tendency to bang on about many things, but I believe that tools such as astrology or Tarot cards can be amazingly useful to look at what’s going on, and what’s likely to happen if we stick with a particular course of action, but I think that part of the reason we’re here is to wake up to our own power and potential. If I’d gone through my life being scared or thinking that there was nothing I could do at certain points, I literally wouldn’t be here now. I want to help people to make informed choices and make them feel uplifted so that they can deal with the challenges that we all face and so that they can create their own future.”

Do the Derren Browns and James Randis annoy you with their claims that all divination is a fraud? Orson Welles shared their view too, but then admitted he was so good at pretending to be a medium he had to stop because what he said was true!

“I could hardly object to people having the right to hold an opinion or express a view. I think Derren Brown is fascinating, an absolute genius. He’s a really interesting person to watch, actually. He is so skilled and the effects he can produce are absolutely mind-blowing. I believe that he describes what he does as mentalism. If you reduce what he does to a set of skills, that would suggest that every single person has the ability to do what he does, and I’m not sure that’s true. I couldn’t. But I also can’t help wondering if he’s using abilities that even he doesn’t realise he’s got.

"I know the legacy of empiricism means that we’ve acquired a drive to reduce everything in this world to concrete measurables, where we can explain everything within a neat loop of cause and effect, but if you fall into that model too far you can limit yourself. Throughout history and across many indigenous cultures today, Shamen of all kinds have understood and used the power of a belief in magic and I encourage people to reclaim that power.

"What’s wrong with life being magical? All children believe in magic, and look at the joy and wonder it gives them. Most of us have it kicked out of us as we grow older. I think when we lose our ability to see the miracles that surround us every day we are robbed of something very precious. The very fact that we are here is a miracle of creation. I never stopped believing in magic. If you believe in magic, you’ll see magic everywhere, and then magic will happen.”

And finally, my sweet, can you answer a question out of the blue without cards or charts - for instance, will William really marry Kate? I'm not so sure. The things I've heard about William ...

“I’ve never met him, but I think it’s worth considering that it’s easy to see him as being a privileged young man when we can never understand the pressures he’s under. I think also that, given what happened to his parents’ marriage, he is being very wise in waiting until he’s absolutely sure that he is ready to make any commitment that is strong enough to withstand the inevitable media furore, speculation and rumour it would generate. When Prince Charles married Lady Diana Spencer, I think they were quite bewildered at the absolute frenzy of public interest and hoped that it would die down over time. It didn’t. We can’t know what effect that had on them as individuals or as a couple. Most of us are fortunate enough to live our lives outside of the enormous level of scrutiny that falls on every action William does or doesn’t take.

"I think it’s interesting that you ask if William will marry Kate. Perhaps she has her own ideas about the issue. I did predict they would get engaged so we'll see!”

Michele Knight! Thank you so much for your time. For some reason I foresee yet more success for you in ... Russia.

“How exciting! I quite enjoy travelling and I hear St. Petersburg is the place to visit at the moment. Marvellous architecture! Thank you too. It’s been a pleasure.”