Daniel Radcliffe on stage again - clothed this time!

Not just clothed, but singing in American. I'm awfully impressed. He stars in How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying (the 2011 Broadway Revival) and the video below will save you a few dollars and the nervous exhaustion of tolerating coughers, urinators, snoozers and sweet wrapper rustlers. Theatre musicals of this sort are so relentlessly vivacious that as a genre they all tend to merge into a screaming cacophony of indeterminate competence as legs are kicked and dust motes dance in spotlight beams, like sperm in fresh ejaculate. It's some time since I've been to the theatre. (Incidentally, if you prefer Daniel naked, click his name in labels.)

World Penis Size Map: A guide for international size queens

And so from the dickhead Prof Brian Cox and his nuclear energy-loving touchy wife Gia, the mind thought associates onwards and towards... the World Penis Size Map. I am indebted to Duncan Fallowell for incidentally drawing my attention to this. I have no idea how reliable it is - the measurements do not identify condition of cock, a glaring omission - but you may as well know the French, Germans (5.7") and Italians are better endowed than the Brits (5.5"). Americans average a measly 5.1" (that explains Bruce Willis, then) while Venezuela soars to 6.7". Cambodia manages 4".

Madame Arcati disapproves of size queenery of this sort. But newspaper agony aunts may find this info useful when answering anxious cock-size letters they themselves have written.

World Penis Size Map

Justin Bieber's penis: A post-modernist approach to blogging

Justin Bieber and his missing sock

One way to promote your website right now is to post a Justin Bieber item, albeit a spurious one - perhaps the sad, neglected, undiscussed, unread, utterly redundant and hypocritical New Statesman might take note. Justin is among the most searched global topics on the internet, apparently.

Into my second paragraph and I've already lost about 95% of the beliebers: bye. But let's plough on. Much of the obsession with the heterosexually advertised Christian teen sensation, with the bossy mum, is focused  on his cock: Nanny Google has about 1.36m links to Bieber cock stories. So if I link this story to my Daniel Radcliffe PhotoShopped cock pics I'll have created a perfect storm of interest to take Madame Arcati well into the Winterval season.

Predictably, there is much concern about the guessed dimensions of Justin's cock. One school of thought holds that it is very small indeed. Another, that he is Colin Farrell's doppelgänger: let's ask Angelina Jolie next time she's around.  In other quarters, it is claimed Lady Gaga has stolen his penis while .... well see for yourself. It's all out there.

Now, I don't know about you, but I have to get on. But as a parting shot, I publish below the top search keywords to Madame Arcati today, pre-Justin Bieber's penis: A post-modernist approach to blogging - a zeitgeist snapshot:

daniel radcliffe penis
liberace
daniel radcliffe dick
sheila vogel-coupe
daniel craig penis
daniel radcliffe circumcised
daniel radcliffe cock
madame arcati
almine barton
carole malone

Daniel Radcliffe naked: the un-PhotoShopped version

OK, here's the actuality. Daniel Radcliffe in Equus. Click once to, er, enlarge.

Molly Parkin: 'Croatians love my new cock paintings'

Molly Parkin. Photo by Tommy Candler

My fiancee Molly Parkin has sent me a letter. She is off to Croatia this summer to exhibit a collection of her new paintings many of which take the cock as subject. I hope this isn't Madame Arcati's influence. She also waxes on recent cock posts here. Anyhow, here's her letter to me ....

You said to let you know re: Croatian gallery girls. Utterly charming, completely bowled over by the paintings. They chose 11 of the very biggest ones, one 6ft by 5ft abstract, which I only painted yesterday, Sophie's Summer Wedding. And another one, an orgy scene, full of cocks of all nationalities entering every sort of orifice. Also another full of cocks, one black one actually piercing the pussy of the white girl. And another belonging to a pale teenage rentboy, being manhandled by a sophisticated divorcee, awaiting her false mammaries.

Hello Rudolph Nureyev. How's Dame Margot? "She's fine. I'm bigger than Sam Leith, dah?" (Photo by Richard Avedon)

The Croatians proclaimed them "very powerful indeed", full of wisdom, and not as "sweet" as they expected (they didn't add "from an old lady").

When I offered to paint out the cocks before the exhibition, in case of giving offence to the Croatian nation (thinking of the mealy-mouthed turds' response to your penis parade), they exploded with vehemence at the very thought. More our cup of tea, then, the Croatians!!

Adore all this cock business on Madame Arcati you've been up to, and the way you actually voice it, so clever, so naughty, so titillating; arousing, too. Brings a rush to the brain... er, um, yes, and there!

Oscar Wilde would have loved it. And Joe Orton. And Mae West. And Vincent Price. And Coral Browne. And Noel Coward. Others must too. Can't we see more of the jiggling sportsmen stuff? Or even Ronaldo in and out of trunks? Moving around, or prone.


Perhaps some political figures such as Profumo, who's weighty down below, I am told. Or is libel the trouble? It's all very well to tell tales on cock size but we hunger for the illustrations. Put it to your public. I can vouch for senior citizens, female, judging by my 80-year-old sister's avid interest. None of us is interested in Page Three girls.

Love Molly xx

Just for Molly to celebrate her Croatian triumph

Croatia website

'Celebrity cocks that have entertained me'

A certain incorrigible person of the world writes to Madame Arcati about her encounters of the celebrity cock kind. Adult content, poppets...

Dear Madame,

Given your obsession with cocks - you old size queen! - I should tell you that Clive James has quite a reasonable cock. I would put him at a quite broad 6 and a half inches to a seven.

David Lee Roth is a Princess Tinymeat, as is George Michael, as we all know, thanks to Brad Branson.

Steven Berkoff's is short but very very thick and Mickey Rourke couldn't get it up because he'd injected so much liquid valium.

***** ******** tells girls his cock is tiny as part of his chat up technique. When a man tells you his dick is small, naturally, you don't believe him. Well, he wasn't lying. I've already horrified you, no doubt, by telling you I've got a tiny cunt [in a section edited out, alas] but *****'s cock is so minute that I couldn't even tell when it was in me or not. He was very straight sexually. Thought I was a pervert when I suggested rimming and a bit of hanky spanky.

But he kept pestering me to have sex with another guy while he watched. When I told him ***** called that "homosexuality by proxy" he went mad!

Grace Jones tried to seduce me but I wouldn't go further than massage skin cream all over her. She used to lie in the bath for hours, full to the brim with bubbles. She was horny as fuck with anything that moved.

I've never slept with Keith Allen despite several attempts on his part. I can tell you more if you want to know. My mind is always in the gutter, looking up the stars skirts.

Your Friend Forever x

Dear Darling,

That'll be enough for now. Save the rest for your memoirs.

Love MA x

Size queenery outbreak at Popbitch and Holy Moly

I am shocked at the preoccupation with cock size on Popbitch and Holy Moly - the two subscription slebby gossip sites. This week Popbitch reports that the Guardian columnist Charlie Brooker has "a large cock". Other eyewitness accounts include: "I was told at the weekend that Richard Herring has a surprisingly adequate cock" and new Dr Who Matt Smith is "Hung like a horse by the way!"

After the smelling salts I turned to Holy Moly for a spiritual douche and what did I read? "Shaun Wright-Phillips has a massive cock. Who else has a huge/small cock? We need to update our spreadsheet - Jim Kerr et al kept us going for years back in the ealry [sic] internet days, but not much is known about today's hip, young gunslingers. Is James Morrison packing heat? Is Lady GaGa's cock quite small?"

Far be it for me to play goss cupid but perhaps Holy Moly need look no further than Popbitch in its quest. In fact, a merger can't be far off: I shall pray for it.

I draw all this to your attention if only because Madame Arcati has gained a certain notoriety for publishing (possibly), er, enhanced photos of celebrity cock - to this day, the Daniel Radcliffe pics remain No 1 in the Arcati hit parade. Yet what may seem to some an unseemly fixation is in fact merely the manifestation of my Anna Wintour-like intimacy with the zeitgeist: whatever's out there will surface tastefully through my person, like the sugary dew that an aphid emits from its back end to a sentinel ant.

I have no new images for you today but here's a prize dick for you click here.

Duncan Fallowell: The (weeping) tears and erections query

Dear Madame Arcati

I've just returned from the south of France to discover this warm-hearted posting [just below]. Many thanks. A friend and I, half an hour ago, were discussing whether it's possible to weep tears and have an erection at the same time. I said it had never happened to me - and I don't think it could. He said it had happened to him several times. Feedback from your readers on this interesting question would be welcome.

With best wishes, Duncan Fallowell

Our Lady J to star in Jackson's transexual movie

Our Lady J is following her close friend Daniel Radcliffe into the movies - "Excited about film I signed on to be in Being T, exec produced by Janet Jackson, " she writes on Twitter. "It'll be a world-educating documentary on trans issues!" I wonder whether Michael will be in it, too.

Our Lady J: Daniel Radcliffe and what the J stands for

Daniel Radcliffe's new friend Our Lady J is heading for the UK later this month with gigs at the Purcell Room and in Manchester - the latter headlined "Our Lady J’s Gospel for the Godless With the Cocquettes and friends". Her recent tabloid ascendancy will not have harmed ticket sales and I notice that she's selective in her media responses: Perez Hilton earned a tweet and Out.com a "statement" in which she managed to confirm that she and Daniel "support each other as artists." Conversationally or in other ways? The statement begs the question, dearie. Such starry pickiness I tend to associate with showbiz savviness, if you get my meaning. Dietrich would be proud.

She also claims to be a witch with powers to punish warped messengers: that makes two of us then.

I note that on her website she slips into the almighty first person plural (thank you for the correction, Anon) to announce: "We’re sorry to remove the Our Lady J blog, but it’s in the process of being edited for publication. Her transition from male to female is just too juicy to have floating around the internet for all to see!!" Ah, yes. A publishing deal. Juicy. Now I know what the J stands for.

Meanwhile, on Twitter she writes: "Enjoying the death threats. Reminds me of my childhood. Kind of like my baby-blanket!"

Our Lady J and Daniel Radcliffe: Just good friends

Transexual singer Our Lady J is reportedly Daniel Radcliffe's very good friend - with munchy dates and hand-holding and mutual, er, admiration - so naturally we should acquaint ourselves with her ... she's plainly smart ... and political. She writes on Twitter: "Apparently I'm in the British tabloid, The Sun. FYI, I'm NOT a drag queen - I'm a tranSEXual... do ur research." Coronation Street star Antony Cotton appears to be a fan of Our Lady J.

What? You've forgotten what Daniel Radcliffe looks like? God, you bloody Alzheimer's freaks ...

Watchmen: Dr Manhattan's glowing blue penis! The review

Yes! See this fascist, graphic novel adaptation at a cinema near you! And Dr M's schlong. (Click image for enhanced experience)

Watchmen review: Dr Manhattan's cock
It is soon apparent that quasi-CGI superhero Dr Manhattan's blue appendage serves no purpose other than to underscore his awesome masculinity. It will pass no urine or jizz, it will never rise to attention: it is just there, an emblem of Dr M's unearthly mightiness, a sentinel of manly authority. When one of his doppelgangers makes love to his loyal assistant and girlfriend, Laurie Jupiter, he does so not through the agency of his glowing schlong but by stimulating her with electrical charges from his hands. It's as if he is pressing her with an iron that's prone to cutting out in a shower of sparks. The camera shyly averts its gaze from his groin area, one that requires no showering or waxing incidentally; but you may be assured that there can be no tumescence, which is just as well because even the space of an Odeon big screen is finite.

Nor does Dr M's cock sway pendulously as a trunk of its proportion would do during movement, such as walking: rather it just hangs down like one of those oblong bird feeders one finds in the better maintained garden, rather inertly. Happily, no blue tit or other feathered friend is ever likely to be drawn to Dr M's ambiguous, rather screwed-up nuts.

Filmgoers who are not fanboys/girls of Alan Moore's creation may wonder why Dr M does not simply wear a loincloth or a fetching thong. This is a good question. After all, he does put on a suit for a talk show. So he is cognisant of human decency. One can only conclude that though Dr M sees no difference between a live or a dead person, and meditates on Mars, he is a naturist at best or a filthy exhibitionist and flashing perv at worst. If the latter, saddos who cream themselves on comic novels should be treated with especial caution.

Oh, and then there's the movie ...

David Kross penis: And the Oscar goes to ....

Kate Winslet is to be congratulated on her Oscar Best Actress nomination for the most excellent The Reader, but what of her young co-star, German actor David Kross who brought so much (out) to his role, much more than Kate did? One feels that the Academy must try to broaden its horizons.